Things My Mother Taught Me

Other people are toxic

One should never eat food off other people's plates, or consume anything other people may have touched, if only with their knife and fork, unless thoroughly machine-washed first. Never share sheets or towels. If someone else has touched it, it's UNCLEAN AND MUST BE BURNED!
...or boiled... 
Curiously, this only ever stuck in relation to my closest family. You know, the group of people closely related to me, the people I share both DNA and probably most bacteria with. I still feel uncomfortable as much as touching my closest family, but have no trouble sharing a towel with my boyfriend or let a good friend have a sip of my drink.

It is better to throw up than leave food

Also known as, finish everything you have on your plate, unless you have been given specific permission to leave something. Therefore, tasting new food is perilous and must be avoided at any cost.
Somehow I managed to get over this problem by only tasting new foods when my mother wasn't around, and make sure I always got ridiculously small portions of food I knew I liked when she was. Also, as a child I managed to teach my dad what a bad idea it was to force me to eat after I declared I was full, by repeatedly throwing up from over-eating. My mother never got the message and tried the same thing with my sister.

A clean house is more important than pleasant company

You should never, ever allow visitors into your home unless it is spotless. They WILL notice your dust bunnies, and they will be shocked and appalled, finding your lack of cleanliness disturbing, they will talk about it behind your back and you will be thrown out of your social circle and lose all your friends forever. The hoover is out of place? BURN! There are cups in the kitchen sink? YOU DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE. Rather than, you know, ignore the mess, have a nice relaxed cuppa tea with a good friend without freaking out about it for 2 days first.

You shall never throw anything away, unless it's broken

It doesn't matter if you haven't used it in 5 years. It doesn't matter if nobody you know wants it. If you don't want to keep something, and no one wants it just then, NEVER EVER get rid of it. Keep it until someone might want it. That dress you grew out of a year ago? Your cousin is 7 years younger than you, keep it for a couple of years and see if it fits. He might want it. Your baby toys? Don't get rid of them either. In 15 years you or someone you know might have a baby. That book you got from your deeply religious great aunt for christmas once? The embarrassingly bad one? Don't burn it, someone else might enjoy it. Not any of your cousins though, they all got a copy of the same one. And none of your friends, they're no more religious than you. But someone, at the next flea market, which you missed the collection for last weekend - so the one after that, in 6 months - SURELY you'll remember that, and SOMEONE MIGHT WANT IT.

You are not worth the same as everybody else

This is called basic manners, apparently. Other people first, always. You shall take the smallest piece. You shall never ever EVER take the last cookie, unless thoroughly convinced after making a huge scene. You shall never ask to come in, but wait for an invitation. You don't want to intrude. Your preference is less important than causing a fuss, otherwise known as potentially making both coffee AND tea. You shall make as little of yourself as possible. If you are visiting someone, it is up to them to look after you, read your mind and fulfill your basic needs, because you shall never ask for anything. You should always accommodate for other people and go out of your way to please them. Honestly, if it is simply 'manners' to be as awkward, insecure and submissive in any social setting as I am, manners should be abolished altogether.