Something worth Blogging About

Well, diving into my first self-help book, I'm trying to follow some advice from it, not because I'm not incredibly negative towards many of the ridiculous sounding suggestions, but because that negativity might be the reason I refuse to try the techniques and, as a result, something that just helps to keep me down.

One of the suggestions in it was to create a to do-list. Mark what should be done today, this week or this month, and then stick to it. I'm trying this, but keeping it private, and it's on my to do-list for this week to get it organized in a neat little folder (physical copy).

One technique is to keep some form of journal, and write every day. Also, do stuff. So why not try that, but publicly. On blogger. Do something worth blogging about, every day. OKAY some of this stuff might be a bit dull to read about, the point is that the question 'what i've been doing today' shall not be answered with any variety of 'nothing'

I shall keep this to one post though, to avoid littering my blog with it. MY self-help book didn't recommend keeping your 'diary' as a blog, showing a very legitimate concern about what one would like to put on the internet. I will try to keep it light and not get into anything too personal, but I'm not really too concerned. At worst, this project fails and will be an exceptionally dull blog post. 

Monday
Got up late and been home all day, made scrambled eggs on toast for myself and boyfriend who's working night shifts at the moment, cleaned the kitchen, and hoovered downstairs. Decided to wash the kitchen floor tomorrow and enquired about the whereabouts of a suitable bucket. Brightened my moods a bit to do some housework, it made me feel like I'm not completely useless. Boyfriend is a bit concerned about whether I'm depressed at the moment, since his presence has typically broken any routine and therefore I haven't felt depressed with him around before. I explained I've had it on and off for years, and I've just stepped up my effort to fight it off because I need to get on with life and not cripple myself. He left for work, I painted my nails pink peach and started writing this blog post.

I worked on my painting for a bit, then got stuck into a work project. Pleased with myself for completing what I set as a goal for myself for today, rather than give up and think 'I'll do it later'. The last thing I did today was a questionnaire for a job I'm applying for. That made me feel confused and sad again, I don't think it went very well, the questions were quite frustrating and the answers were all too similar. But hey - at least it's done.
Seriously though, do anyone know the answers to those questions prior to any training? Seems a bit odd to me.

Peach Nails! Whee!

Tuesday

Hey, guess what? Project failed. Already. Yup, not really anything worth talking about today. Worked a bit on that project I mentioned, had a quick tidy in the kitchen, watched some videos online. Got a headache and felt awful. Later, I started to feel a strange pain in my mouth (seemingly from the underside of my tongue, pretty far back) that made swallowing extremely painful, in such a perfect spot that mouth, throat and ear hurt all at the same time. Physical pain preventing me from doing stuff I intend to do when my mind alone can't stop me? Unheard of. I'm sure that's never happened before. Only EVERY SINGLE TIME I set out to do something.

Wednesday

Slept badly as I woke up every time I had to swallow. Did you know you do that quite a lot? Anyway, got up, boyfriend went out to get me some ibuprofen.What would I do without him eh <3

Anyway. Took that, worked well and I fell asleep on the couch. Then I managed to do a bit of work, followed by some time working on a painting. The painting has got to the stage now when its size is less significant because it's broken down into different parts. Rather than a huuuge canvas, it's 3 horses, foreground and background that can be worked on individually. I like that. There is nothing more frightening than a blank canvas. Maybe except phone calls. I hate phone calls.

Painting so far

Thursday

Not much to report. Got up late, worked quite efficiently on the football project.

Also made a stir-fry for dinner, loosely based on the BBC Good Food Chicken Chow Mein recipe, using the ingredients we had in the fridge. It turned out OK... Nothing special. A bit bland. More soy sauce and ketchup next time I think. 

Friday
Same as before. Throat/ear/mouth started hurting again. Worked on my project for about 5 hours, then put in a few hours on my painting, until I was to tired to paint anymore. Hope to finish it this weekend, want to start working on a new one. Went on Dead Rising for a bit, getting a bit dull because I've missed most of the missions - couldn't do the Backup for Brad on time, since I was too inexperienced and too low level to do anything other than walk in, get shot and die over and over and over and over, so when I finally got around to it (enough health, orange juice and decent weapons to NOT die) it was too late to continue that storyline. Oh well. Boyfriend assures me I can play through just surviving for another 12 hours (game time, duh), then start again at a higher level and do more of the quests and story missions and save people and all that stuff that drives a game forward. Putting buckets on zombie heads and running over them with a lawnmower is only fun for so long. Even if that is hilarious.

Started feeling a bit down again at night. Don't know why, got a few things done, and didn't really suffer from loads of negative thoughts - not that negative thoughts is much of a depression trigger anyway, it's more of a feeling. Heavy, dull and slow feelings that suck the joy out of everything. Then I start to think negative thoughts, because everything is useless, I'm uncomfortable around other people and generally being silly. Also, I'm about to run out of ibuprofen.

Saturday
Very dark day today, though it's nice and sunny outside. Guess the weather has less impact on my moods than I thought. Got little done on the football project as I found myself more often than not just staring at the wall. Had trouble facing my painting. Felt lonely, wanted to cry, couldn't figure out any specific reason for it - life, in general, just feels empty and meaningless. I can't figure out why I'm down, but then again I can't find any reasons not to be. What do I enjoy? What's fun? What's pleasurable? What do I want?

Had a few drinks and watched Downton Abbey with the "in-laws" (not really in-laws since Boyfriend and I aren't married, but you now what I mean), that was nice. They're a laugh. My dad once said there is no way Boyfriend and I will ever get married if I get on with the in-laws. I LOLed, but not really bothered about whether or not we ever get married. Commitment is the same with or without the paperwork.

Sunday
Got ibuprofen and rolo-cookies. Won a pair of motorcycling boots on ebay. Should be quite safe on the back now. Guess it's only a matter of time until I'll want a bike, too. Got dressed up in a nice short skirt. Watched some production footage from The Hobbit on youtube, getting quite excited about these movies now, they look gorgeous. Just hope I'll be proved wrong about 3D, that's the only thing I'm slightly worried about. I'm not sold on 3D yet. The films I've seen weren't all that impressive to say the least, 3D added absolutely nothing to experience other than a headache.

A Change of scenery to change my life, AGAIN

Over the years, I have needed a change of scenery every now and again. A new place, I thought, a new start. That is what I need. Once I get away from my current environment, everything is going to be ok. I will be happy. And I have turned my life upside down, moved away from the city, turned everything upside down again to study abroad... and it makes no difference.

Sure, for a while, things seem a bit brighter. Anything that breaks the routine - which is why I don't tend to get too depressed when my boyfriend's around. The one thing I have realized, though, is that I can change everything around me and it will make no difference, because the one thing that doesn't change - the one thing I really need to change - is myself.

I have a fairly impressive ability to be miserable, wherever I am, whatever I do. Have my own horse? Miserable. Following my dreams to study art abroad? Please. Absolutely, completely and utterly miserable. In a house with other people? Too crowded. On my own? Lonely.

Frankly, I'm tired of dragging my miserable old self around everywhere. Without my personality, life would be great. Imagine feeling awake. Imagine feeling passionate about something. Imagine happiness. Excitement. I think I felt that once. Maybe twice. I'm not sure. Doesn't happen a lot anyway. I've always been a bit on the gloomy side. As a teenager, I almost saw a psychologist once, but apparently I wasn't suicidal enough for further treatment. Which is good right?

Recently, my absolute favourite thing to do is going on the back of my boyfriend's motorbike. That is absolutely thrilling. I know if we crash, I'll probably die (since I got some proper equipment that might be more 'seriously injured' than 'dead' but shush). There's something about facing the possibility of death that makes me feel alive. It is unsettling that I don't seem the least bit afraid though. Let's hope that's because I trust my man blindly and feel confident we won't crash. Not, you know, the death drive that I never got properly into while skimming the surface of Freudian psychoanalysis so I can't really say what it's about, other than quoting wikipedia:

 In classical Freudian psychoanalytic theory, the death drive(s)^[1] (Todestrieb[e])^[1] is the drive towards death, self-destruction and the return to the inorganic: 'the hypothesis of a death instinct, the task of which is to lead organic life back into the inanimate state'.^[2] 

Some seem to think the solution is ridiculously simple. Snap out of it. Stop being so miserable. Think happy thoughts, look on the bright side. Well, if it really is that simple, I must be enjoying my depressions on some level, because I somehow can't seem to do that. I know life would be easier and more enjoyable if I wasn't miserable all the time, believe me. It's just not that easy to rid yourself of thought patterns you have been stuck in for years, and trying to control your feelings, well... Personally, I have never managed to do that. I can control my actions, most of the time, but not my feelings. Just because I don't lash out and kill someone doesn't mean I'm not angry. Just an example.

The truth is, I should probably seek some help to deal with this. Another attempt at seeing a psychologist, talk to someone, maybe learn some positive thinking. What's stopping me? Well I'm not terribly good at asking for help. And I wasn't too impressed with the psychologist the last time around. It felt a bit like... acting. Lean forward. look at patient. "uh-huh... and how do you feel about that?" nod. nod. look thoughtful "why do you think that is?" Perhaps I was just unlucky, or maybe my teenage self found the falseness of the approach - the appearance of pretending to be interested, because he is paid to pretend to be interested - too distasteful. Maybe my adult self would cope better. Maybe it's time to dive into some self-help books.

The elephant-pig-teapot

Just came across this old drawing in my DeviantArt scraps. It made me smile.

Back in the day, when I first started doing art and learning to draw, the teacher put out a teapot for us to perfectly represent with pencils on paper. Mine was criticized for looking too alive, like a living creature, due to the high contrast and vibrant, energetic lines I used to represent it... at least this is how I remember the conversation. Shush. Don't question me.

Anyway, later on, (yes during recess) I did a smaller version, where the teapot in question was, in fact, transformed into an animal. This is the elephant-pig-teapot.

It is a friendly and playful creature, which co-exists peacefully with miniature tea cups and tables. 

Mare & Foal

Since I've been feeling a bit down lately, here's a little something to brighten my blog up slightly.

The Mare & Foal started as a little doodle/drawing several years ago, and I've reused it a couple of times since. There is something very peaceful and beautiful about it I think. Some say it is very much influenced by Franz Marc's horses, and while I do recognize the similarities in style, I cannot recall whether or not I sketched the original mare & foal before or after the (brief) introduction to German Expressionism and the Blaue Reiter, that is, whether it was originally unconsciously inspired by Marc, or coincidentally similar in style. Either way, I don't think it really matters.

This mare and foal has become one of my favourite motifs, since I find them quite harmonious. If I had to say they mean or represent something on a symbolic level, I suppose it would be maternal love and care. 

I quite enjoy experimenting and playing around with different variations of the same subject for easy financial exploitation, I simply love how different the same piece can look in different styles! 

The original mare & foal, coloured pencil and pen on paper.

The second variation, several years later.

Another variation I did quite recently, playing around with the colour blue, I think with some success. 

This is the larger version (A1 format canvas), I also did a postcard sized one to test the idea.

Playing around with the idea of colour themes, here's a version inspired by autumn colours. This was a quick and rough piece, done in just one afternoon.

Application Frustration

Admittedly with some difficulty, as my life has been turned upside down this summer - I'm not a student anymore and currently between "homes" (as in living at "my boyfriend's" with his family and still can't quite think of it as "mine", or visiting "my dad's" that stopped being home when I moved out, my sister got my room and I left the house key), with no idea what I want or where to go next - I have started looking into job listings and filling in applications.

Is there anything more frustrating?

Some of the questions - such as "why do you want to work for us" or "what attracted you to this position" &c seem to encourage lying and shameless flattery. The truth is fairly simple: The location is convenient, I need the paycheck and I need something to do with my time because, frankly, I don't have the self-discipline or the funds to be an artist full time. I've got a feeling that won't look too good on an application.

On the other hand, claiming that OMFG your company is the bestest evurr and I always wanted to work for you and OMFG I can't believe I've got the opportunity, oh almighty management plz plz plz pick me I'm like super motivated, might not go down to well either - it simply isn't believable. Especially if the position, like the ones I'm looking at, is entry level stuff like sales assistant or waitress. I'd happily do either, but neither position is my absolute dream job. Truth be told, I have no idea what this fabled dream job is, because I have absolutely no ambitions at the moment.

Then there's the type of person needed for these jobs. What skills are you bringing with you. Job descriptions often seem to describe a person I have, quite frankly, never ever ever come across - the outgoing people person with bubbly personality who can sell snow to an eskimo, with loads and loads of experience and confidence, who is independent and charismatic but works well in a team... yeah, that's not me. It is very discouraging. I know very well that if I claim to be this person, it will be a matter of seconds of a potential interview before I'm found out as a liar. Look, I'm nice. I'm friendly. But I am also reserved, and often insecure. I get very, very frustrated with application forms and job descriptions that ask for someone who is, essentially, my complete opposite. I feel like I'm wasting not only my own time, but theirs, too. As if I'm not already feeling unemployable enough... yeah.

Of course I do realize that this perfect employee personality might be acquired, and not a pre-existing quality. I'm not sure how suggesting this might look on a job application though - I imagine either untrustworthy, or like someone with no personality at all.

The latter might very well be true.

Anyway, at the moment all I can do is keep applying and hope that, sooner or later, one of my applications might end up in the hands of someone with realistic expectations. Who doesn't mind a weird foreign name.

I'm f***ed.